Aaaaand we’re back with all the head-choppin’, poison swallowin’ fun that has been this Game of Thrones Tourney to crown the future King (or Queen!) of Westeros. The Sweet 16 has ended here at Silent Sister Stadium and below is a breakdown of the carnage.
#1 DAENERYS vs #9 DAVOS
This goes back to my “Jeor Mormont Knows Nothing” post. Followers make awful leaders in Westeros. Davos shouldn’t be the King, he should be the Hand of the King. He’s got more political savvy in his phantom fingers than Ned Stark had in his whole honorably body. Davos is probably the best Follower on the show but he’s not the Kind to want the pressures of ruling on himself. Daenerys ONLY wants to rule. When she wakes up, she wants to rule. When she’s freeing thousands of slaves, she still just wants to rule them. It’s in her greedy Targaryen blood to feel that it’s her Right to Rule. Davos got distracted trying to pronounce Knight again long enough for Daenerys to do the Red Waste shuffle into the Elite 8. DAENERYS WINS
#4 STANNIS vs #12 GENDRY
I hear your screams. Gendry hasn’t been seen since Season 3. We all know he’s coming back eventually. My issue with Stannis is that he’s on a suicide mission and I’m not sure if he knows it. For Stannis to rule Westeros he has to take King’s Landing (assuming King’s Landing isn’t burned to ashes by the series finale. Everywhere Stannis goes he makes a new enemy. Stannis could easily be killed by the Wildlings (he killed their leader), the Boltons (he’s openly planning on attacking them), the Lannisters (he’s in open rebellion against the Throne), and lets not forget about the White Walkers! I’ll be shocked if Stannis lives by the end of the show. Gendry could be anywhere! If the smallfolk turn on Tommen, Gendry could easily paddle his rowboat to KL and reveal his parentage and the secret that Ned Stark died for. Stannis dies because he’s bad at making friends. GENDRY WINS
#3 TOMMEN vs #11 JORAH
Well let’s do the math. Tommen is currently King. He’s IN WESTEROS. Jorah has been exiled from Westeros AND Mereen. Jorah still has some explaining to do if he plans on keeping his head, much less taking the Iron Throne for himself. Jorah is in the same row boat as Davos. Followers don’t make great leaders. He will always be too busy pining over some chick to conquer Westeros. As we’ve seen, Tommen is plenty happy with the bride he has. Jorah gets killed by the 10 year old Lady Mormont because that’s how she rolls. TOMMEN WINS
#7 BRIENNE vs #2 JON SNOW
One things for sure, this fight is going to be honorable as hell. There will probably be a mid-battle break for hugs. They both do what needs to be done to survive though. Brienne bit The Hound’s ear off, Jon distracted the Thenn by spitting blood in his face! Honestly the two are mirror images. However Jon Snow has the ability to inspire large groups of people. He’s the Lord Commander because the Nights Watch realized he was the leader they turned to. Brienne has Podrick and thats about it. She doesn’t have much political savvy either, while Jon has shown great progress in that department this season. Once Stannis dies, Jon will find his way to Winterfell and be welcomed with open arms as the new King in the North. Brienne has said that she just wants to fight for a Lord she believes in. Jon Snow is a King that she could gladly serve. Jon Snow wins because Brienne bends the knee. JON SNOW WINS
Whats that? You want more? Well let’s check out that sweet 16 action from the Grumpkin Region!
#1 CERSEI vs #8 QYBURN
With Tywin dead the Lannisters are weak these days. They hold the throne just because there’s no enemy within striking distance to take it from them. Mace Tyrell is fat and happy with all his fancy new titles so he’s not starting an uprising. I think Qyburn knows he’s lucky to be alive. He owes his life and all his fancy things to Cersei. For a little weasel he might be the most loyal person in Kings Landing these days. This man doesn’t want to rule anything. He’s happy in the basement with his dwarf heads and Zombie Mountain. Cersei is still wheeling and dealing. Once Maergery gave her a little too much lip this week I could see the wheels spinning in Cersei’s brain. I think that if Cersei hears any more of this Casterly Rock nonsense from Tommen she’ll have no problem killing him too. Cersei is the most interesting character in King’s Landing so I have a feeling that if Cersei dies everyone else will have been dead for WEEKS. It’s going to take more than a smelly little scientist to stop this Wine Train. Cersei kills Qyburn and steals his Monster! CERSEI WINS
#12 ARYA vs #13 RAMSAY
Both of these low-seeds snuck through the first round thanks to their dark side. These are people with powerful names who enjoy killing. Those are 2 character traits the Ruler of Westeros needs. Ramsay has the same problem as Stannis. The Bolton’s don’t have enough men to keep Ramsay alive. Ramsay isn’t the type to run from a fight as seen by his crazed fury against Asha and the Greyjoys who tried to free Reek. Ramsay is going to stay and fight because he believes his Dark Side will trump everything else. Another thing that Ramsay lacks is WISDOM. He doesn’t listen to anybody. All Arya has been doing for 5 seasons is listening to seasoned warriors. Ned, Syrio, Jaqen, Tywin, The Hound..Arya has learned what it takes to survive in this world. Also she’s currently safe and sound in Braavos. Everyone assume she is dead so no one is looking for her. Everyone is looking for Ramsay and the Boltons. I have a feeling that once Cersei finds out that Ramsay is getting married to Sansa Stark Cersei will send the Lannister army North. Ramsay is killed by a needle from across the Narrow Sea. ARYA WINS
#3 MELISANDRE vs #11 VARYS
Mel is the last witch standing from TEAM STANNIS. I think that makes her twice as deadly. She’s no longer on a losing team plus shes one of the few Magical characters remaining. Varys won’t be able to scheme his way out of being burned at the stake. Also Varys has a bad track record against followers of R’hllor considering that it was a sorcerer who snipped his manhood many years ago. Varys got the last laugh by finding that Sorcerer years later, but Melisandre isn’t interested in chopping off naughty bits. Lets face it, neither character is winning this tournament. Melisandre would have to convince Westeros to convert to an entirely new religion and people fear and despise Varys. Also theres probably a noose waiting for him in King’s Landing since he’s been tied to Tywin’s death along with Tyrion. Varys goes 0-2 against the Red God. MELISANDRE WINS
#2 WHITE WALKER vs #7 JAIME LANNISTER
What happens if George Arf Arf Martin’s plans are darker than anybody expected? The White Walkers have been built up as this otherworldly force. They are Winter. And Winter is coming for dinner. Theres at least a small chance that the White Walkers win the Ultimate War. Jaime Lannister would make a perfect King. He’s handsome, has a warriors reputation and a killer instinct. Too bad he only has 1 hand. A 2-handed Jaime might be able to rally the support of Westeros in order to defeat the White Walkers. These days Jaime just seems like a cautionary tale waiting to happen. Also he DOESNT WANT to be King! Especially after his secret shame Brienne has been defeated by the Bastard of Winterfell over in the Snark Region. The Kingslayer gets turned into a Popsicle. WHITE WALKERS WIN
That wraps up the Sweet 16 action from Silent Sister Stadium. Catch you next time for the Elite 8. The cream of the crop. The tip of the sword. One of these 8 will be my choice to rule Westeros once its all said and done.